In arguments, there’s a point I reach where I start to just talk in a little baby voice. It’s not the usual baby voice though—it’s the voice of a baby that knows and has concrete fringe theories about what happened on 9/11. So, when I use this baby voice in an argument, it’s almost impossible to argue with. Game over. Think about it. One, you’re arguing with a baby? That’s gauche! And two, that baby has more advanced theories about how and why 9/11 happened. You’re cooked! There’s just a certain point in every argument—honestly, every conversation—where the returns are, indeed, quite diminished. That’s where the 9/11 baby voice comes in. Nobody enjoys losing an argument to a baby who knows his stuff about what really happened on 9/11, so they’ll give up immediately. Talk to my wife, my children, my best friends, and my neighbor, Tim. It has worked so well for me that I’ll just sometimes sit alone, in my empty apartment, and do the 9/11 baby voice with myself. It’s soothing. It’s calming. It’s what I imagine those monks who sit in caves and dry cold wet towels with their minds feel. I wish I could always talk in the 9/11 baby voice. It would help me get to the inevitability of my life faster.

SHANE KOWALSKI is the author of Small Moods (Future Tense Books) and the forthcoming Are People Out There (Future Tense Books).